When You Are Tired of Loving Them As They Are
5 tips for handling your beloved-but-oh-so-difficult child’s behavior.
Here you are again, yelling through tears at this child you would jump in front of a bus for. Why can’t they just stop hitting their brother/clean the d*** litter box/do their homework/stop talking back/LISTEN, for once? Of course you love them and understand whatever they are struggling with, be it mental health or cognitive disabilities or plain ol’ puberty. But you’re also wondering if it’s ever going to get better, and your human amount of patience is wearing out fast.
When I first meet with clients as a behaviorist, a lot of parents expect me to “fix” their child’s bad behavior. So let’s get the bad news out of the way, there is no quick fix for tough kids. Sorry. No therapist or book or magic wand is going to turn your lovable devil into an angel overnight.
And while that may not be the most reassuring thing to hear when you are quite literally pulling your hair out, you also probably already knew that.
So what do you do in the meantime? Well, you take a step back, remember who you are, try not to take your child’s behavior personally (even though they are your kin and that feels so impossible), and you plug away at all the little things that shape behavior over time. You can do this!
1. Find the good and praise it!
It’s really easy to pay attention to the things that really bug you, because, well, they really bug you. But don’t let that overshadow the subtler, awesome things your child does, too. The truth is, a lot of difficult kids know they are difficult kids. They get a lot of “do this,” and “no, stop doing that.” So find the things that make you go “yes, keep doing that!” and let them know!
Smiles and thank you’s go a long way in showing your child their good behavior doesn’t go unnoticed. Positive reinforcement is extremely effective in long-term behavioral therapy, even when it’s small… actually, especially when it’s small.
I once had a coworker who took the time to write down every good thing his client did during their shift — everything from “sat quietly for 5 minutes” to “thanked mom for lunch.” Seriously, he even wrote down “used inside voice,” for an older kid who had already mastered volume control!
You don’t need to write down every little thing the whole day, but maybe giving three compliments by dinner time is a reasonable goal to start with.
Not only will it boost their self-esteem and push them towards better behavior in the future, but keeping a light on the positives will help you power through the tougher times, too. Sure, the hitting thing is getting old, but wasn’t that unprompted willingness to share her screen time with her sister just precious?
2. Reassess what matters.
Does it really matter if they clean their room? That’s a question for a whole new blog post. But think about what you’re expecting of them and ask yourself why. Maybe having a clean room is really important for your sanity and you want them to feel that peace in their own space. Great — except nagging them to get there and then still never seeing the floor might be detracting from the whole “sanctuary” thing. Maybe you want to instil a value of discipline and responsibility. Also great — but is a clean room the only way to teach that?
A mentor once told me, “They would if they could, but they can’t so they don’t.” And while I’m reluctant to fully bite into that one (we’ve all seen kids who are fully capable of the task at hand yell and scream in protest because they just don’t want to do it), it is a reassuring thing to tell yourself when you are on the verge of a power struggle with a six year old.
Think about the battles that never end, and decide which ones are worthy of continuing. When you step away from the power struggle, you might find that you don’t actually care if their room is clean, but you’re upset that they aren’t even trying to follow the simple demand. Ding ding ding! You want them to follow directions, so build a long-term goal off of that, not the clean room.
I find it really helpful to actually write out my intentions, but maybe that’s just the obsessive planner in me. Start by writing down the things that are driving you up a wall, and don’t censor it. Don’t guilt yourself for finding parenting (i.e. the hardest job in the world) hard. Just word vomit all over that page. And then pick through it; what can you let go of in lieu of pursuing a more important goal? Scratch those suckers out and stop engaging in those arguments.
Now you should have a more manageable list to work with, all those non-negotiables you really do want to keep pushing. Like, “stop hitting” or “do your homework” or “follow directions.” Whatever you are ready to be tough on (and possibly lose sleep over), because it is that important. Now you’re ready to formulate some solid goals.
Finally, break it down! For example, if your end goal is for your child to no longer hit others, you might need to think about when and why he does it in the first place. Should he be taught how to walk away from conflicts or how to use his words when he gets upset? Or maybe he needs to learn that hitting does not equal attention. You don’t have to figure it all out now, but chart your first step to take now and your long term intention for where you are trying to go.
3. Redirect, redirect, redirect!
When your child is escalating, redirect! Give them an important job to do, ask them to help you make a decision about something off-topic, call over a friend or family member for a quick game, throw them a toy. Anything that will help them step back from what is antagonizing them and give them some perspective.
It might sound like cheating, or avoiding the problem, but remember that not every battle is worth having, and those “teachable moments” don’t have quite as much learning attached when they happen every other hour.
Take Breaks
Empower them to take “micro-breaks” to catch a breather from whatever is troubling them and improve self-regulation.
If they are still in the early stages of escalation, let your child lead on how the break should look (play, sitting quietly, water break, etc.) and set a timer you both agree on. When time’s up, direct them back to the task at hand with a clear easy-to-accomplish mini-goal and some gentle encouragement.
If your child is more than a little irate, still redirect them from the task/situation/person causing the escalation. Do not try to use this as a learning time or consequence giving time. Put everything on pause until your child is emotionally regulated. They may need some space to safely calm down (Note: Space can mean silence, if the situation is too dangerous to leave). Try taking deep breaths and regulating your own emotions as a model for them.
If you are starting to get frustrated, it is ok to walk away and get some breathing room for yourself! In behavioral therapy this is called “planned ignoring of undesired behavior,” and it can be incredibly effective for preventing escalation, curbing disrespectful behaviors, and helping the caregivers out, too. Plus, kids learn best from modeling. Show them when and how to take a break by committing to doing it for yourself!
4. Make amends and try again!
Embrace the idea that every moment is a chance to change our ways, and approach incidents with this in mind. Bad choices are bound to happen sometimes; whenever possible, use consequences as a way to make amends (time-out/reflection time, apology letters, etc.) and then clean the slate and move on.
Natural Consequences
On the topic of consequences, keep natural consequences in mind! In some cases, the natural consequences will be immediate and more effective (getting cold on a night out after refusing to bring a jacket, for example). Help your child learn from these experiences and then privately relish in the I-told-you-so vibes on your own later.
Incentives
On the flipside, don’t overlook incentives for good behavior — sure it’d be best if they followed directions without a reward, but the “real world” is filled with incentives, too (paychecks are a prime example). Stick to incentives that are achievable for them and realistic for you. Rewards such as play dates, quality family time, or even special outings, treats, or decision making abilities can be effective.
5. All you can do is your best.
Remember that some days are going to be harder than others, but that’s part of the process. Allow yourself to take a break from managing their behavior if you need to or can. It does not make you a bad parent to step back and take care of yourself, too. As long as you continue to love them, provide them a safe environment to grow in, and feed and clothe them, you are a great parent. Changing behaviors never happens overnight, so be patient with them and yourself. Keep at it, you are not alone.
